Most Annoying of 2005

1. Paris- So, why are you famous? Oh yes, you are the heiress to the Hilton hotels. Wait, why are you famous? You say you love animals, yet you love to wear them. You date a Backstreet boy and the sloppy-seconds of Mary-Kate and Shannon Dougherty. That’s NOT hot. I am ready to pay the paparazzi to not take pictures of you and then hopefully you will disappear and the world will be a much happier place.

2. MTV's Laguna Beach reality snobs- I just don't get it?! It's like we are rewarding these spoiled rich brats for thinking the world revolves around them and their precious "OC". Why can't we do a reality show about the drama of the band geeks or something?

3. Lindsay Lohan- So, you go to eat at the paparazzi infested "Ivy" in LA. Then you get in your convertible Mercedes Benz and speed past "The Ivy" like NASCAR a couple times. Stop your complaining about paparazzi. Remember- don't bite the hand that feeds you. And if it really does bother you- hit up your local Taco Bell drive-thru. Then for the love of God, scarf down a couple Gorditas and put some meat on those bones. Or even better, if you don't want the paparazzi to bother you, move to some deserted island so we don't have to listen to you complain about the press and your horrendous music.

4. Celebrity Marriages- Just stop. Think about it. Don't do it.

5. The Simpson family regime- No wonder Nick got the heck out of there. I am tired myself of watching her shop and my eyes roll like Nick's when she pulls the ditzy blonde act. I gag when I watch her father, the former minister, talk about his daughter's bustling breasts (weird). And I want to put a bullet in my head when I listen to Ashlee force her vocal chords through a song. Sweetie, you're only famous 'cause you sister is hot! And actually, your sis only reached A-list status because of Newlyweds. Now newly divorced, parents are going to have to explain to their poor little pre-teens that just bought the season three DVD of Newlyweds, why Nick and Jessica are no longer newlyweds. Way to go! Some lessons learned because of the fallen Simpson regime: Money doesn't buy happiness, don’t jinx your marriage by overexposing it on MTV and don't lip sync on live TV and blame it on your band (not cool). And for the men out there- don’t marry a girl if she has an Electra complex with her father.

6. Tom Cruise- What the hell happened to Tom Cruise? Lecturing Matt Lauer. Hopping around like a horny age on Oprah's couch. Hiring a young actress to fabricate a marriage? Anyone who believes that aliens invaded earth or whatever that wacko religion believes, probably needs those meds that they denounce. And Tom truly needs to "come out of the closet" (see South Park) .

7. Britney- She will go down in the books with Michael Jackson, Anna Nicole Smith and Tom Cruise. Once immortal icons, now, they are like tragic Greek figures. Ever since her marriage to "K. Fed" her white trash roots, and not to mention dark roots, have begun to show. She should have listened to K-Fed's other baby's mama!

8. Nicole Ritchie- You became famous because you dad is Lionel Ritchie? What? Lionel is not cool! I wonder if I was Michael Bolton’s daughter if I would become famous and get to hang out with heiresses. Your ’06 resolution- Eat! Eat! Eat!

9. Brad and Angelina- When you are an actor, I really think that you have to go into it knowing that you are going to be working with some of the most beautiful specimens in the world. And you will be tempted doing all those hot 'n sweaty sex scenes. Dude, did you not see it coming? Jen must have taken a big nervous gulp when he told her he was starring in a movie with Angelina Jolie. I thought you were cool Braddy boy but like your ex-wife said you're "missing a sensitivity chip". In my disappointment, I have brad-cotted "Mr. and Mrs. Smith".

10. Donald Trump- He has probably never heard the term "Less is more" but c'mon man enough of "The Apprentice". We're over it. It's like dating- leave us waiting for that call. Don't give it all up on the first date! Less is more!

Ho's Boycotting Christmas!

For years, the ho's of the world have been troubled. It wasn't until this year that anyone heard their cries. This year's "War on Christmas" has prompted them to boycott stores and Christmas music CD's that exclaim the words "Ho, Ho, Ho". They say that the Christmas slang "Ho, Ho, Ho" has demeaned their credibility and has even mocked their individual spirit as a ho. President of the Ho's Guild of America, Shaniqua White, expressed her frustration, "When people say "Ho, ho, ho", during the Holiday season, s*#%, it really takes away from all I've worked for, for so long." The proliferation of hos in the 90's is credited to a rapper who goes by the name of Snoop Doggy Dog. Santa Claus had no comment regarding the ho/ho issue, but Spokes-elf Charity "Mama" Slay, did have this to say. "It is unfortunate that the ho's feel this way. Santa has been shouting, "Ho, Ho, Ho", to all of the world for a trillion years now- way longer than Snoop Doggy Dog has been pimpin' hos. Santa's camp feels this boycott is totally unjustified."

Broken News! Liberals Are Banning Christmas!

In last year's election, the Republican's sent brochures to evangelical's in the country stating that the liberals were going to ban the bible. And now Fox News, I mean, the right-wing are at it again. Unfortunately for them, this story on every network except Fox, has become, well, rather humorous.
It makes me think of a line from one of my favorite movies, Happy Gilmore. Y'know, when Happy is talking about the special jacket you take home after winning a tournament. "Gold jacket, green jacket who gives a s*&%," Happy says. Well I say, "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, who gives a s$#@." I just don't understand how people are offended by saying "Happy Holidays". Like Christ would get mad or something! First off, I have always used the term Happy Holidays. For one, you can kill two, possibly three birds (holidays) with one stone. You've got Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years. So, using the term "Happy Holidays" can actually save you a bunch of time in this short life. Secondly, I reside in Hollywood where I am a rare Christian specimen. So, rather than have to decipher if I am talking to a Jewish person or a Christian, saying "Happy Holidays" saves time again, and it is just more politically correct. But since this democracy is evolving into a theocracy that term is not okay in the eyes of the powerful right-wing and if I am overheard I will probably be sent to a US torcher chamber in Africa.
The hypocrisy of it all is even more amusing. Boy's and men alike have always told me how Valentine's Day is really just a holiday-for-profit. Sounds a lot like Christmas these days. A materialized billion dollar industry where people riot in Wal-Mart to snatch the latest Tickle-Me Elmo. These crazys are offended that Target is saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Are you kidding me? If you are so "holy" and "Godly" what are you even doing shopping? Shouldn't you be helping the less fortunate in soup kitchens or ringing the Salvation Army Bell outside Target to help others, like Jesus would be doing?

So ask yourself these questions if you are offended by the term "Happy Holidays"-
1. WWJS- Where Would Jesus Shop? Only in places that use the term "Merry Christmas?
2. WWJR- Where Would Jesus Riot (for Christmas)? Wal-Mart? Target? Best Buy?
3. Would you throw out your White House Christmas Card that failed to say "Merry Christmas" and instead stated, "Wishing you a Happy Holiday season..."? Gosh, how insensitive of them.
4. Did you know your second prophet, Bill O'Reilly, well his Christmas cards also failed to say Merry Christmas even though he was one saying that liberals were banning Christmas!? Did you order one of his "Holiday Ornaments".