Wednesday, May 10, 2006

April Showers bring May Showers and We're Still Numb to Numbers

Seventy-six in April. Twenty-four in the first nine days in May. Two-thousand four hundred twenty with eight pending. To most of us they are numbers. Even if you can put it together, that this is how many soldiers were killed in Iraq, well, it seems like they are still numbers. Where is the anger? Where is the frustration? Why aren't people begging for a solution? Why can't we feel more than mere numbers? The word ‘death toll’ itself even seems tactless. So, you're sayin', if you die in the war, you become part of a toll- just a tally. Or maybe you will be lucky and be killed on a day which marks the so-and-so thousandth death of an American soldier and you might get your face flashed across the screen of CNN. 

The media beast has the power. They feed the American people. What they choose to be important will be spoonfed to us as a story. Gas prices. Immigration reform. Mining tragedy. Duke Lacrosse. Natalee Holloway. In return, the media outlets are nourished with their precious ratings and the sensationalized, cable news life cycle continues and grows stronger and more powerful. Blindly, we eat it up. Blindly, we become numb to the numbers. And foolishly, we fail to realize that the administration spits up these divisive red herrings like immigration reform and gas prices to catalyze the media's incompetent, pseudo 'journalists’ and talking heads who brainwash their viewers. 

Every day, the situation in Iraq becomes increasingly similar to that described by Walter Cronkite in Vietnam, a "bloody experience" which "is to end in a stalemate". Guerilla warfare, like the insurgency, has beleaguered our efforts to create any sort of soundness in Iraq. Our leaders feel that if we leave, our efforts will be in vain and show a sign of weakness in this ‘war on terror’- a ‘war on terror’ which is beginning to feel more idealistic than ever - like a war on cancer- something almost impossible to contain. Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, and the death toll increase has become especially deplorable in light of our obstinate leadership with its clouded vision and no proffered solution.

With tremendous sacrifice and honor our troops have done all they are capable of in Iraq. No one here wants to leave without creating some sort of stability, but our continued presence has bred a new generation of hate for westerners, even though our intentions were for the good of their people. We failed to find weapons of mass destruction and the irony of our dismay is that our occupation in Iraq has proliferated weapons of mass destruction- weapons called suicide bombers and executioners who killed more than 1,000 Iraqi civilians in April.

The West and the Middle East fail to understand each other which makes for an extreme glitch in this fight. We are a just society. Our backbone is our conviction for freedom and democracy. Our choice of which religion we will follow is part of our fabric. Since the beginning of recorded time, the Middle East’s foundation has been its religion. Their being is their religion and the extremists will live and die for their god, which explains the civil wars which have been going on for thousands of years. Middle East peace remains an oxymoron and freedom is anything but a necessity. 

We must be smarter and act less proud than our enemy, and the smartest thing right now is to realize and accept that a democracy cannot be forced on people who believe that beheading Americans is justified and sacrificing lives is the greatest gift they could give to their god. This should now be left in the hands of the Iraqis and their elected officials to take over and to run the defense of their country for it is time for our country to close this chapter in our history and focus on repairing our international relations, protecting our borders, and reuniting our country as we were after 9/11. The animosity between our two parties has divided us to the point where we appear to be a mockery for the freedom and democracy we preach.

"We have been too often disappointed by the optimism of the American leaders, both in Vietnam and Washington, to have faith any longer in the silver linings they find in the darkest clouds...For it seems now more certain than ever that the bloody experience of Vietnam is to end in a stalemate. To say that we are mired in a stalemate seems the only realistic, yet unsatisfactory, conclusion."
- Walter Cronkite

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

"If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." George W Bush, 18th December 2000

Join us for a "Freedom at Last Party" in Nov. '08 when the Bush administration leaves office. Invited will be our favorite radio hosts from the right and left, celebrities and heck, even Bush himself! No matter who takes office in '08, be it a Republican or Democrat, it doesn't matter, just as long as we are free from the Bush Regime! We need to celebrate because as Bush taught us, freedom is a beautiful thing.

Party Festivities-

Some games will include:

Pin the tail on the cronies
A hunt for a weapon of mass destruction (don't be confused if you can't find one)
Abu Gharib twister
Bobbing for Bin Laden
Bush Torture pinata
Shoot 'em up Cheney hunting fun

Served will be:

Halliburton Hamburgers served with
Freedom fries and Teresa Heinz Kerry Ketchup
Bill O'Reilly falafels
Karl Rove potato "Leak" soup
Cheney Heartichokes
Crawford style Chicken 'N ribs
Condoleeza Rice

Cocktails:
Rumsfeld Rum terrorist Runners

Dessert:
"Heck of a job" Brownies
Delay Bombe

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Bar Marmont Review

The tattered white gates and antique lights that dangle just beyond tease one enough to want to see what lies beyond this chic shack. Bar Marmont is snuggled inconspicuously just beyond The Chateau Marmont hotel. However, the enticing décor doesn’t do the dining experience any justice that is unless you are Jessica Simpson or a 'somebody'. If you don’t reserve a table you will most likely be drop kicked to the dinky “patio seating” (really a converted waiting area just beyond the gates) like a stray dog where you be shoved alongside the other your typical alpha males and the chain-smoking wannabe rock stars. If you don’t get lung cancer and die by the end of the night expect snooty service, a limited and awkward menu where the most popular item on the menu is a burger?! “Well, it has a special sauce,” says the brain-dead server. If you are trendy, think you are a somebody, or perhaps are a somebody, you might enjoy this pretentious place. If you want a good meal, or, a burger for that matter, hit up your local In ‘N Out for they will probably hold the attitude.

Monday, February 06, 2006

"The Bus' Hangs Up an Out-of-Service Sign Blah Blah Blah Blah

Hooray! Yipeee! Bettis is retiring! (sound of crickets and frogs). Thank God I don't have to watch anymore people swing from his cojones. I have had enough of the cheesy "Bus has made his final stop" jokes and watered-down metaphors. Didn't they teach us in J-school to refrain from using cliches? I am sick of the cutaways to his parents in the stands, who if you hadn't heard, have never missed a game. Dude, what parents wouldn't want to go to every one of their son's NFL games? I sure as heck would'nt miss one. Oh, and how sweet an ending....Bettis won his Super Bowl ring in his hometown of Detriot and Cower finally wins his first title blah blah blah.

Fact is, it wasn't pretty. They didn't play like Super Bowl champs especially Roethlisberger. Maybe they should have just played wide receiver Antwaan Randle El at QB the whole game after he threw an amazing touchdown pass which was much more graceful than anything Roethlisberger produced. And don't even get me started about his touchdown which was clearly, not a touchdown.

So everyone, even God, seemed to be on the Steelers side. Everyone wanted that fairy tale ending, for Cower, Bettis and the 23-year old QB. Everyone wanted to start a new Steeler dynasty. Everyone including the referees. The officiating was atrocious and, trust me, I am never one to ‘cry referee’ after a game as to why a team lost. And I am still not using it as an excuse. Clearly, the Seahawks didn’t bring their A-game, but every time they did get up somehow, the referees took it away, so the ’Hawks could never capitalize.

The Steelers and the nation got their fairy tail ending along with their budding dynasty. Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel summed it up in his column. “This is how this story should have ended. Any other way would not have been right. Any other conclusion would have been like “It’s a Wonderful Life” ending with George Bailey actually jumping off the bridge and drowning. We wanted the Pittsburgh Steelers holding up that trophy. We needed the Pittsburgh Steelers holding up that trophy. If the Seattle Seahawks had won, it would have been the stuff of dull documentaries. The Steelers winning was the stuff of fantastic fairy tails.” Aww…how poetic. Speak for yourself Mr. Bianchi. I guess you never tire of predictable Hollywood chick-flick endings, but I do. Hopefully, we will see you in a sequel next Super Bowl and you can shove your fairy tail ending up your blah blah blah…

Friday, January 20, 2006

Rage Against the Pop Machine

For the past several years I have watched the music industry in its state of depression and it’s rather, well, it’s rather depressing. Gone are the legendary Seattle grunge bands. Gone are the Gun’s N’ Roses and the Rage Against the Machines. And gone are the days where musicians actually wrote their tunes.

Assorted Pop-Tarts
In is: nepotism, American Idols and records companies that sell their artists image, rather than their pathetic music, such as Maroon 5, Avril Lavinge and Ashlee Simpson. You know they are all posers when the 'punk rock' lead singer of Good Charlotte is dating an underage goody-goody teeny bopper named Hilary Duff (Oh, sorry, she just became legal). And what about Avril Lavinge and her hardcore image that MTV likes to sell. You know, the first time I heard Lavinge’s “I’m With You”, I actually thought it was a country song. Even bands that have been known for their quirky of punk-rock sound in the past such as Counting Crows, Weezer and Green Day have conformed to the same sound and the same beat that we have heard from the new pop-wannabe rock bands.

Napster Backfire…and it Burns…
In a way I can take blame for this travesty as I was part of the original Napster generation that caused the music industry hyperventilate in fear as they watched their yachts and profits, sink right in front of their greedy eyes. They realized for once that the power of their CEO could not conquer the booming peer-to-peer sites and the music downloading geeks that sit like zombies behind their fluorescent screens downloading the latest Dave Matthews album. Well, it all back-fired on the Napster generation as the record labels began to market to 13-year olds because they were the only ones buying albums. And what do 13-year olds buy? Avril, Ashlee and Sum 41. Okay Mr. Record CEO, I am sorry! Mercy. Just bring back some hearty rock ’n roll with a side of R&B and I will march my ass to the nearest Wal-Mart and buy some CDs!

“I want my MTV” no...seriously...I want my MTV
This used to be a slogan that ran on MTV, you know, when they actually played music. Now I watch MTV really just to see how long I can sit through TRL. I turn blue with frustration when they show about 10 seconds of each video and then in mid-video they cut to Krissy and her brace-faced friends in the audience who send a “shot out” to their girlfriends. By the time their vocal chords reach deafening decibels, I choose to spare my sanity and turn to Animal Planet‘s “Who Gets the Dog.”

Sniff…
So, I sit here in feeling sorry for that brilliant musician that missed out on a record deal because Paris Hilton decided she wanted to annoy us even more. Hilton’s album will drop, and I predict, fizzle, sometime in the fall.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

Most Annoying of 2005

1. Paris- So, why are you famous? Oh yes, you are the heiress to the Hilton hotels. Wait, why are you famous? You say you love animals, yet you love to wear them. You date a Backstreet boy and the sloppy-seconds of Mary-Kate and Shannon Dougherty. That’s NOT hot. I am ready to pay the paparazzi to not take pictures of you and then hopefully you will disappear and the world will be a much happier place.

2. MTV's Laguna Beach reality snobs- I just don't get it?! It's like we are rewarding these spoiled rich brats for thinking the world revolves around them and their precious "OC". Why can't we do a reality show about the drama of the band geeks or something?

3. Lindsay Lohan- So, you go to eat at the paparazzi infested "Ivy" in LA. Then you get in your convertible Mercedes Benz and speed past "The Ivy" like NASCAR a couple times. Stop your complaining about paparazzi. Remember- don't bite the hand that feeds you. And if it really does bother you- hit up your local Taco Bell drive-thru. Then for the love of God, scarf down a couple Gorditas and put some meat on those bones. Or even better, if you don't want the paparazzi to bother you, move to some deserted island so we don't have to listen to you complain about the press and your horrendous music.

4. Celebrity Marriages- Just stop. Think about it. Don't do it.

5. The Simpson family regime- No wonder Nick got the heck out of there. I am tired myself of watching her shop and my eyes roll like Nick's when she pulls the ditzy blonde act. I gag when I watch her father, the former minister, talk about his daughter's bustling breasts (weird). And I want to put a bullet in my head when I listen to Ashlee force her vocal chords through a song. Sweetie, you're only famous 'cause you sister is hot! And actually, your sis only reached A-list status because of Newlyweds. Now newly divorced, parents are going to have to explain to their poor little pre-teens that just bought the season three DVD of Newlyweds, why Nick and Jessica are no longer newlyweds. Way to go! Some lessons learned because of the fallen Simpson regime: Money doesn't buy happiness, don’t jinx your marriage by overexposing it on MTV and don't lip sync on live TV and blame it on your band (not cool). And for the men out there- don’t marry a girl if she has an Electra complex with her father.

6. Tom Cruise- What the hell happened to Tom Cruise? Lecturing Matt Lauer. Hopping around like a horny age on Oprah's couch. Hiring a young actress to fabricate a marriage? Anyone who believes that aliens invaded earth or whatever that wacko religion believes, probably needs those meds that they denounce. And Tom truly needs to "come out of the closet" (see South Park) .

7. Britney- She will go down in the books with Michael Jackson, Anna Nicole Smith and Tom Cruise. Once immortal icons, now, they are like tragic Greek figures. Ever since her marriage to "K. Fed" her white trash roots, and not to mention dark roots, have begun to show. She should have listened to K-Fed's other baby's mama!

8. Nicole Ritchie- You became famous because you dad is Lionel Ritchie? What? Lionel is not cool! I wonder if I was Michael Bolton’s daughter if I would become famous and get to hang out with heiresses. Your ’06 resolution- Eat! Eat! Eat!

9. Brad and Angelina- When you are an actor, I really think that you have to go into it knowing that you are going to be working with some of the most beautiful specimens in the world. And you will be tempted doing all those hot 'n sweaty sex scenes. Dude, did you not see it coming? Jen must have taken a big nervous gulp when he told her he was starring in a movie with Angelina Jolie. I thought you were cool Braddy boy but like your ex-wife said you're "missing a sensitivity chip". In my disappointment, I have brad-cotted "Mr. and Mrs. Smith".

10. Donald Trump- He has probably never heard the term "Less is more" but c'mon man enough of "The Apprentice". We're over it. It's like dating- leave us waiting for that call. Don't give it all up on the first date! Less is more!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Ho's Boycotting Christmas!

For years, the ho's of the world have been troubled. It wasn't until this year that anyone heard their cries. This year's "War on Christmas" has prompted them to boycott stores and Christmas music CD's that exclaim the words "Ho, Ho, Ho". They say that the Christmas slang "Ho, Ho, Ho" has demeaned their credibility and has even mocked their individual spirit as a ho. President of the Ho's Guild of America, Shaniqua White, expressed her frustration, "When people say "Ho, ho, ho", during the Holiday season, s*#%, it really takes away from all I've worked for, for so long." The proliferation of hos in the 90's is credited to a rapper who goes by the name of Snoop Doggy Dog. Santa Claus had no comment regarding the ho/ho issue, but Spokes-elf Charity "Mama" Slay, did have this to say. "It is unfortunate that the ho's feel this way. Santa has been shouting, "Ho, Ho, Ho", to all of the world for a trillion years now- way longer than Snoop Doggy Dog has been pimpin' hos. Santa's camp feels this boycott is totally unjustified."

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Broken News! Liberals Are Banning Christmas!

In last year's election, the Republican's sent brochures to evangelical's in the country stating that the liberals were going to ban the bible. And now Fox News, I mean, the right-wing are at it again. Unfortunately for them, this story on every network except Fox, has become, well, rather humorous.
It makes me think of a line from one of my favorite movies, Happy Gilmore. Y'know, when Happy is talking about the special jacket you take home after winning a tournament. "Gold jacket, green jacket who gives a s*&%," Happy says. Well I say, "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, who gives a s$#@." I just don't understand how people are offended by saying "Happy Holidays". Like Christ would get mad or something! First off, I have always used the term Happy Holidays. For one, you can kill two, possibly three birds (holidays) with one stone. You've got Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Years. So, using the term "Happy Holidays" can actually save you a bunch of time in this short life. Secondly, I reside in Hollywood where I am a rare Christian specimen. So, rather than have to decipher if I am talking to a Jewish person or a Christian, saying "Happy Holidays" saves time again, and it is just more politically correct. But since this democracy is evolving into a theocracy that term is not okay in the eyes of the powerful right-wing and if I am overheard I will probably be sent to a US torcher chamber in Africa.
The hypocrisy of it all is even more amusing. Boy's and men alike have always told me how Valentine's Day is really just a holiday-for-profit. Sounds a lot like Christmas these days. A materialized billion dollar industry where people riot in Wal-Mart to snatch the latest Tickle-Me Elmo. These crazys are offended that Target is saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Are you kidding me? If you are so "holy" and "Godly" what are you even doing shopping? Shouldn't you be helping the less fortunate in soup kitchens or ringing the Salvation Army Bell outside Target to help others, like Jesus would be doing?

So ask yourself these questions if you are offended by the term "Happy Holidays"-
1. WWJS- Where Would Jesus Shop? Only in places that use the term "Merry Christmas?
2. WWJR- Where Would Jesus Riot (for Christmas)? Wal-Mart? Target? Best Buy?
3. Would you throw out your White House Christmas Card that failed to say "Merry Christmas" and instead stated, "Wishing you a Happy Holiday season..."? Gosh, how insensitive of them.
4. Did you know your second prophet, Bill O'Reilly, well his Christmas cards also failed to say Merry Christmas even though he was one saying that liberals were banning Christmas!? Did you order one of his "Holiday Ornaments".

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

"George Bush could have sex with a sheep on the White House lawn and set it on fire and my mother would say, 'Oh Stephie, the president is just trying to help. Why do you hate America so much?' We try to talk about politics, but it never ends well."

-Stephanie Miller on the Stephanie Miller show (Air America)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

There's Always Playboy...

Got JELL-O?
I was the JELL-O amongst the crème Brule. I mean, these girls are the kind of girls who have to go to the bathroom with one-another. They are the girls who started the myth among boys that girls don’t fart. Their hair flows like silk and their nails are as manicured as you can imagine the rest of their body is. As for me, I have no idea how to curl my hair.

They are the future Stepford wives- The future Bob Hope Chrysler Classic Girls. The Classic Girls are like the Maxim girls compared to the Penthouse girls. They are just sexy enough to be consider classy and non-exploited. But from many of the upgraded breasts in the room I am sure most of girls wouldn’t care either way. They Classic girls represent the Bob Hope Chrysler Classic Tournament out in Rancho Mirage (Palm Springs). To be a Classic girl, they consider your “personality and appearance”. Well, minus the personalisty part.

Survival of the “Fittest”
As I sit there amongst the 20 provocatively dressed girls I start to observe my competition. Quickly, I realize what I’m up against and I slowly bury my stumpy nails into my lap. Well, at least I shaved my legs today, I thought as I looked around at the stilettos that screamed SEX straight to the four old perverted judges. Well, hopefully the old judges know that UGG style boots and schoolgirl skirts are in style and they don‘t think I am weird.

The room is awkwardly silent, warm and stale. Uncertainty and insecurity seep through the air as each new specimen walked through the door. Aren’t these girls supposed to be Classic girls? With personality? With the ability to charm and spark up conversation with strangers? Feeling like the only person at ease in this situation, (probably because I found it amusing) I break the ice. “I feel like this is a beauty pageant,” I said to the girl next to me. “I know,” she says. “It’s very pagent-esque.” We introduce ourselves and the girl next to her chimes in. “Oh my Gosh,” I say kind of sarcastically. “Our names all start with “A, I think they should choose us and end it now!” So I broke the ice and now my two Alisha, Amanda and I are BFF and the whole room is gabbing away. God, I would be a great Classic girl.

Ladies, Start Your Engines
For the first of four rounds each girl had to stand up and had to announce their name, where they were from and why they want to be a Classic girl. Most were teeth-filled planned speeches. Some nailed it. Damn, why didn’t I think of that BS. The more girls who went, well the longer the speeches as each had to out due the other about their “charitable work”. Gag me now! Amanda and her goldie-locks stood up next to me. She looked poised but she couldn't put a sentence together. God, what an airhead. As she sat down I leaned over, patted her knee and whispered, " Good job you blew it.” Wow, I have turned into one of those ruthless pageant girls.

Okay, my turn. “Hi, my name is Amy and I am from Northern California but I live in LA. I am a writer and I am usually the one asking questions so I am a little nervous,” I said as the room snickered. Good one. Confidently, I continued. “I have been playing golf since I was 14 and this is my favorite tournament, lie…it’s the Master’s, and I want to be a Classic girl because a Classic girl represents something that is missing in our society these days Good one What can I say, a classic girl is Classic. She is not exploited, well she sort of is, like many images of women are in our society like Hooter girls or Playboy Playmates.” The older, frumpy girl next to me giggles,” I was a Hooter girl.” The whole room giggles even the judges. I continue laughing, “That’s funny, I was going to say, “no offense” to those Hooter girls or Playmates in the room. Anyway, I would love to represent this tournament, the parties would be frikkin’ awesome, and I would love to influence children to play golf and I would love to get involved in the community. Thank you.” I sit down. Oh crap, “community" I don’t even live here. It’s just what everyone is saying. Well, other than that, I nailed it and they probably didn’t even notice.Most of the girls had about the same amount of personality as a screen door on a submarine. But boy, were their crest-white-strip smiles mesmerizing. But I was just as good. Most of the speeches went a little something like this. Take Tiffany- an aspiring hair stylist from Palm Desert. “Hi. My name is Tiffany Carter and I went to Palm Desert High School. Go Tigers! Okay. Um, I want to be a classic girl because I have been involved in charitable work forever and I think golf is great but really boring. I don’t play but I love it because it helps a lot of causes. Actually, I really just want to meet Justin Timberlake. Also, Justin….I mean Bob Hope is one of my heroes and that is why I brought a golf club here today because Bob Hope always carried a golf club and I thought it would bring me luck. Actually, my mom told me it would look good.At the end of the speeches then the judges asked everyone to stand up again, just so they could get one more look before they cut the group down to 20. Each girl stood up poised and some even posed with their desperate smiles beaming. The room was silent as the judges were busy making marks on their notebooks. My turn came and I stood up and said, “I must add, you men have a really great job.” The judges and the rest of the room erupted in laughter. I’m in! “Yes, we do have a great job,” one of the judges said smiling. I smiled and sat down. Perverts.As the judges left the room the girls waited in nervous anticipation. After 20 minutes they returned and they were going to announce the numbers of the girls who were to stay. I was 19. “1,2,4,7.….16,17,18, 21, 22.…What the F*#$! Me! Is there a mistake? HELLO?! Didn’t they want personality? Did I make myself sound too accomplished? Was it the UGG boots? No. The girl in front of me was UGG-ed out. My stupid jokes? Maybe it had to do with the fact I am not from Rancho Mirage because most Classic girls are and all the most girls there were from the area?Amanda, who I thought was my BFF, well, I guess we weren’t such good friends. She avoided eye contact with me as I stood up to depart.I wanted to take my un-manicured middle finger and show the judges what a 'bird' really means. I wanted to deflate the air from Amanda’s head and knock a little intelligence into her with my driver. And I wanted to take that driver and nail a couple Titleists into the judges cars screaming, “I know golf. Can those girls do this, huh? Huh? How dare you laugh at my superb jokes and then chew me up and spit me out. ARRRRGGGGG!!!!!

Then a couple minutes later I woke up from my pageant-like hypnosis. Y'know, I am just not the cheerleader type. I am not the kind of girl that has to go the bathroom with another girl. But I can drive a golf ball 250 yards and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

On my way down to the parking lot I found the Hooter’s girl and said, “Hey, there’s always Playboy."

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Professional Athletes? Try Unprofessional, Overpaid, Repulsive Crybabies...

Professional sports have become about as dysfunctional as a marriage to Kevin Federline. As a former college athlete and a future sports reporter, I have really been turned off to what is taking place in sports these days. The title, 'professional athlete' sounds more like an oxymoron these days and morons are exactly what many of these athletes are. Recently we have been subjected to the Terrell Owens suspension, to the Viking's sex party, oh, and the record breaking steroid sized-superstars who have broken the records of baseball in vein. Not to mention the many tantrums from NHL players and MLB players which have canceled seasons in the past few decades. And how could one forget the NBA posterchild Kobe Bryant and the rape charges brought against him (settle down Laker's fans, whether you believe him or not)?

It's such a cheeseball, watered-down question, but what happened to playing sports because we love them, where money shouldn't matter? What happened to being role models for children (even though it is not in the job contract), and actually naming stadiums after affectionate, traditional names, unlike the corporate, PetCo park (how wussy is that?!), Pac Bell Park, ooops, now, SBC park.

And yeah, yeah, I know one bad apple spoils a whole bunch and many athletes do give to charities and produce some great photo ops. However, the rotten apples are plaguing sports as they have never done before and I can't help but be turned off to the athletes who feel like it is their right to play sports. As much as T.O. believes he is God's gift to football, maybe he finally realized that playing professional sports is not a right, but a privilege. For some strange reason, I don't think he will have this epiphany.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Bush- God told me to "smoke 'em out of their holes"

It has recently come out that Bush heard God telling him to invade the Middle East so we can spread our democracy. Nabil Shaath, a former Palestinian Foreign Minister, said that he had heard Mr. Bush say so during an interview for a documentary. He said that in June 2003 he heard Mr. Bush tell Mahmoud Abbas, the Palestinian Prime Minister: “God would tell me, ‘George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan’, and I did, and then God would tell me, ‘George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq’, and I did” (Times online). Excuse me, Mr. President. Did he also tell you to smoke 'em out of their holes? It sounds about as scary as the terrorists blowing themselves up in the name of Allah and as crazy as Jesus-freak Pat Robertson calling on the assassination of Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war," Pat Robertson said ever-so seriously on his show The 700 Club on the Christian Broadcasting Network. Well, at least he was looking out for our economic interests.

I really believe it is either Rove, Cheney or Sean Hannity who make recorded tapes for the President saying they are God and instructing Bush to "do God's work" (which happens to be the neo-con agenda). They probably play the tapes in an disguised boom box in the oval office or on Air Force One when all is quiet. And Bush probably truly believes he is talking to God. Or maybe he regards Sean Hannity as God and Hannity was the one who instructed him to "smoke 'em out of their holes". Hey, I'm just sayin'. ;)

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Political Rhetoric de jour: Blame Game

Definition: When someone tries to hold you accountable for your actions, or lack there of for that matter, use this term as a copout. Even though you were responsible for hundreds of people dying (post-Katrina) because of your incompetence, pull out the political card and say that the finger pointing is all politically motivated and that there is no need for the silly blame game.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

"Rockstaaa" (<--- add Aussie accent) INXS

Rockstar INXS has been a disaster for CBS. Maybe karma came around for the band as they are truly, in every sense of the word, capitalizing on their former lead singer commiting suicide. I actually somewhat enjoy the show because I love some of the rock classic songs that are sung on the show. No doubt some of the "rockers" (as Brooke Burke says) have great voices and are enjoyable to watch. But once their performances are over, the butt kissing begins and I cringe. First off, I can't even really remember an INXS song, maybe one from the eighties. Most of the performers are my age so I am pretty sure they don't know the INXS songs. I think they are all frontin' that they "love the band" because just looking at the band...well, they look like, what they really are....a washed-up couple-hit wonder 80's band who are all in their 50's. And all these musicians are struggling, caught the reality TV bug and just would like the noteriety of being on TV. It is just so cheeseball listining to Brooke Burke talk about the rockers and when INXS cuts the rockers they say "You're just not right for our band INXS". It's like they are trying to brainwash us. INXS, INXS, INXS. One reason I know that most of these "rockers" are kissing so much a** it is that they are changing their style of performance according to what the band has to say. For instance "the rocker" Marty likes to scream and gets this possessed look on his face when he sings. The band clearly doesn't like it and lets him know. And he comprimises his style to the bands liking. Being somewhat of a musicican (yes, I write music too) I would never stop being myself in my vocals or my perfomances for some washed-up band. I would say take it or leave it. This is me and this is how I sing. That is how I know these guys are making it a little too obvious they are kissing INXS butt.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Under God

My feelings on the recent ruling that the words "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance are thoroughly ambivalent. I do believe the words "under God" contradicts, or to the extreme, violates the separation of church and state, but I don't believe that it is really that big of a deal. When I was a kid putting my hand over my heart while picking at my undies with the other while going through the routine of saying the Pledge, I really had no idea what I was saying, let alone what it meant. So who cares! It is not worth firing up the evangelicals and the oh-so holy Fox news nuts. These obnoxious few people that are trying to ban the words "under God" from the Pledge need to get a life and frankly, get over it. Word.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Got Trump Water?

Well, it's funny how insignificant the Natalee Holloway story became to the cable news directors when a national catastrophe took place. I guess they really didn't care about Natalee, only the ratings she produced. And my last blog kind of relates to this post-Katrina blog. In the last blog I spoke of the media saturating a missing person's story only when it involves a waspy, rich, overcrowded type specimen. I guess the govenrment followed that lead as thousands of poor African-American citizens were shunned by our govenment possibly because of their race and socioeconomic status. This time it was the media covering the African American citizens and how our government failed them and left them out to suffer and die. If you disagree with my analysis just think if some disaster took place in the Hamptons, I am sure Donald Trump would be dropping his "Trump" water bottles from his gold-plated helicopter to Paris, Tinkerbell and Oprah. Wow, what a photo-op that would be for the Trumpster.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Missing: Hot, Blonde, Rich, White Girl

After obsessively watching cable "news" (for some reason), I have come to realize one thing. That is, if you ever go missing your best and only hope of ever getting any media attention is if you are: 1. Attractive- the prettier you are directly relates to amount of coverage you will receive (i.e. Laci Peterson, Natalee Holoway) 2. Caucasian 3. Relation/connection to any celebrity (i.e. Olivia Newton John's "boyfriend") 4. Socioeconomic status. (Elizabeth Smart, Danielle Van Dam)
Sorry Mrs. Jackson, Your daughter is too poor and frankly too black for us to
give any coverage about her disappearence. -Cable News
It is an injustice to our society for the media to sensationalize one missing person's story, like the Natalee Holoway case in Aruba. And I am just as guilty of watching the monotonous coverage. I sit like a zombie for hours like I am watching a five-hour episode of CSI, where in this case, nothing gets solved. In closing, it is my hope that cable news goes back to journalism school and realizes that it is a journalist's duty and oath to their viewers is to report on issues that represent and effect society as a whole.



India or Bust?

After watching the news today about how there are pretty much no jobs, how the US is spending a billion a week on the "War on Terror" and how the cheapest house you can buy in California is like $800,000 (and that's a Compton one-story), being a soldier in Iraq isn't sounding so bad. Insurgents, in the words of "W", "Bring 'em on!" I am so infuriated right now by the state of our nation that I could probably wipe out the whole insurgency in one punch, and that is without PMS-ing. Why? Why did I have to graduate when the Republican party decided to defy our founding fathers and intertwine church and state, thus, igniting what the Middle East calls a "Holy War"? Now our nation is broke, I am spending half of my paycheck on gasoline, there is a job drought and I will be 98 by the time I can put a down payment on a house. I thought this was supposed to be the land of opportunity? Guess that opportunity my ancestors and I were promised got outsourced to India. Oh well, at least they have Starbucks over there.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Let Freedom Fries Ring...I mean Let Freedom Terms Ring: A Reflection of Rhetoric

Blow Jobs, job growth, dot com, surplus, and Dolly (the cloned sheep.) All these words graced my vocabulary as I graduated high school in year 2000. As I prepare to graduate college in the next month I have been reflecting on my vocabulary that has flourished since my departure from high school. I would like to share these real world terms with you some of which include WMD’s, Evildoers, Feeding Tube, Social Security Reform and who could forget, Freedom Fries.

Job- What is that? Isn’t that one of the dudes in the bible?

Gay Marriage- We must protect the sanctity of marriage…even though over half of you will get divorced and our system allows Britney Spears to get married in Vegas for 55 hours. Use term to ignite a Christian Fundamentalist movement.

Evildoers- Is this even a word?! Yes, and Bush created it. It takes a genius!

Axis of Evil- Every country that does not kiss our a** and abide by our demands.

Swift Boat Veterans for Truth- Vets who are resentful they did not get purple hearts and who did not marry a sultry Heinz Ketchup heir. Note: Turn heroism into skepticism.

North Korea- Warning: do not attack because they might kick our a** and truthfully we really have no one left in our military. Also, they actually do have one of those WMD thing-a-ma-jigs. Avoid term and country at all costs.

Abu Zarqawi- I don’t know, some guy on a King of Hearts card.

Flip Flopper- Use along with John Kerry. For a great election photo op or FOX News clip: purchase Patriotic flip flops (from Old Navy) and “flip flop” them together while saying “John Kerry, Flip Flop”. (Repeat)

Abortion- We love fetus’! But once the fetus grows up we have no reservations gassing the former fetus up in the gas chamber or denying the former fetus health care.

War on Terror- Use as excuse to invade a country you dislike (most likely one in the Middle East). Goal of War on Terror is to take over and dictate world. But use term instead with a wink, wink to your peeps.

Osama Bin What the F***!?- Some terrorist dude that Bush said he is not going to waste any time on? Instigated this whole “freedom” and “war on terror” mess. Even though he’s 10 feet tall (give or take a few feet with the turban) we still can’t find him.

Saddam Hussein- We can find him even if he is in a “Spider Hole”.

Weapons of Mass Destruction (AKA WMD’s)- President Bush...woops I mean, freak American’s out by using this term. Use it so much that Americans see the Atom Bomb going off in their sleep.

Terror Alert- A brilliant tactic to raise fear in the American People by using a color coded system. Sorry, no magenta. Important Note: Disregard alerts and fear after 2004 election.

John Kerry- Pardon my French, but what a pussy! A purple heart! Put a band-aid on it wuss. We never did care about Vets anyway…but we do “Support the Troops” for political reasons. Wink, wink ; )

Freedom-American‘s love it. (for maximum results, use with Democracy, 9/11, terrorists, terrorism, Shoe Bombers, tyranny, Saddam Hussein, and if you want to get crazy Freedom Fries!.) Do not mention Bin Laden.

Patriot Act- Violates the First Amendment but the name makes it sound “Patriotic” so the stupid ass Americans really won’t know the difference.

Jesus Christ- Make evangelicals believe that Jesus would want to smoke 'em out of their holes and assassinate leaders (just ask Bush and Pat Robertson).

Dixie Chicks- Saddam Loyalists.

Dick Cheney- Former Halliburton exec...hmm, what a coinqidink. Has had about four heart attacks in the past few years, including two in his knees! Do not mention gay daughter as might have another heart attack.

Global Climate Change- A euphemism for “holy crap"! The icebergs are melting and we are all going to get eaten by piranhas.” (take note: this will probably not happen in our lifetime so carry on with your Hummers and make social security reform the “real crisis”).

Democracy- Make US citizens believe that we have a democracy by using along with terms such as freedom, war on terror.

Operation Iraqi Freedom- Use term when people realize that the whole WMD thing was fabricated. For maximum effectiveness use along with photos and clips of Iraqis toppling Saddam statue.
Terms to avoid: WMD’s, Halliburton.

Terry Schiavo- Jesus Christ Martyr (even though she was legally brain dead). Has also been compared to St. Joan of Arc (FOX News). Use term along with feeding tube, Pope, and possibly abortion to fire up the evangelicals. For example: “Well, the Pope had a feeding tube”.

Filibuster- Who needs checks and balances? What did those founding fathers know anyway? Good excuse to change constitution for our convenience.

Terrorists- A rapidly growing number of Middle Easterners that don‘t believe in Freedom. (see Evildoers and Dan Rather.)

Insurgents- People that want us out of their country. (see Dixie Chicks)

Freedom- Yes, I already mentioned this one. For some reason I can’t get it out of my head.

9/11- Use term when Presidential Approval ratings drop.

Sean Hannity- A man doing God’s work. Although he is probably really...shhh... gay.

Bill O’Reilly- A Fox News prophet. Do not mention falafels.

Tax Cuts- Give to rich so they can buy yachts and gas for their Navigators.

Social Security Reform- They believed in the whole “freedom” and “war on terror” crap so give this one a shot. Hold “town hall meetings” but thoroughly screen citizens in meetings, if you know what I mean.

Support the Troops- Use term if need a quick defense to defend the “war on terror”, For example: “If you don’t support this war then you don’t support the troops and that is so un-American.”

Tyranny- Use along with democracy, Saddam, freedom, yada, yada, yada….you know the drill.

Halliburton- Some rich corporate dudes. Made trillions rebuilding country we destroyed. Brilliant! (See Dick Cheney)

Condaleeza Rice- Utilize when in need of spinning a lie or to deny.

Iraqi Prison Scandal- Avoid term. (see support the troops)

Compassionate Conservative- An Oxymoron (see oxymoronlist.com)
Feeding Tube- One of my personal favorites. I need not say more.